Taimatsu
Jan-31-07, 11:59 AM
A Guide to Easy At-Home Abortions
By Taimatsu and Meegz
It’s a Saturday night, and the bathroom linoleum feels cold to your feet. You wipe the traces of cocaine off your nose and look at the white stick in your hand. You gasp at the sight of a blue cross forming once it’s soaked in your sour urine. You’re pregnant, and you’re not ready.
Could it have happened in Chicago? Austin? Ontario?? Was it the cute waiter? The muscular mechanic? The brown Steed? Could Shido have gotten the right hole this time?!?
These things are irrelevant at this point. You are pregnant, and you need a quick solution. If you have a serious lack of moral ethics and religion, then I’m glad you came here. We will illustrate several proven methods to rid yourself of that rancid demon seed. Please choose according to your level of pain tolerance, and how soon you’d like to see results.
Method 1: Jill the Ripper
This is the very basic concept involving self-mutilation to hit the source of the problem. Basically, it’s jamming a steak knife into your abdomen. Make sure that you make the incision directly above the bellybutton to hit your target. Also note that you shouldn’t use a knife that has recently been cutting other meats. Make sure the knife goes in at least five inches into the flesh. Also, an added bonus for the ladies who are in their late stages, push the knife in slowly so you can hear the whimpers of the helpless child. It’s a blast! Plus, if you do this around Halloween time, leave the blade inside of you, and it doubles as a tasteful costume!
Method 2: Pop Rocks and Cola
Now we all know the cute (but false) little legend about pop rocks and cola making your stomach explode. And no, I’m not trying to give you false means of destroying your offspring. Those are merely code words for the ingredients known as cyanide and gasoline. For your own safety, it is highly recommended that you fill a turkey baster with these ingredients and inject them through the vagina hole, rather than ingesting them. Stand on your head for one hour, and PRESTO! You are now the proud owner of a rapidly dieing fetus. Go, you!
Method 3: Sex with Jack Nicholson
This award-achieving movie actor is highly renowned for his brilliant performances and his classic films. But a little known fact about him is that he’s a biological factory of several types of viruses and venoms. His rancid man butter has rightfully earned the title as the “Anti-Semen”, and is used as an emergency spermacide in matters involving political leaders and stray whores. If you have any doubts about this, then all I ask of you is to simply look at his face. How can a man with that jagged, menacing, face NOT be tainted in some horrific way? It’s very easy to get a hold of him, and he’ll basically fuck anything with eyes, so you’re chances are good here. Also expect some minor chemical burns along the lining of your vagina.
Method 4: Find Steven Hunt
He has his ways….
Method 5: Badger in the Den
The badger is a peculiar animal that happens to love dark and small spaces, and also comes equipped with long claws. Perfect candidate for a fetus capture mission. Grant it some time to get accustomed to the smell of its new “home”, and eventually it will burrow deeper. Once it finds that there’s an intruder in its presence, then it will act accordingly and brutally persuade the fetus out of the hole. Note that this WILL in fact get rid of your child, but at the same time replace it with a furrier and more active resident.
Method 6: Deep Fried Fetus Nuggets
This is especially dedicated to all of you whom work at McDonald’s or any other related food establishment. The goal illustrated here is to roast the unborn human alive leaving a well cooked, mostly edible snack. Just like the fries are prepared, you simply pour piping hot, boiling grease into your canal, immersing the fetus properly. Let simmer for 30 seconds, and you’ve got a well-prepared meal for a party of 1-4 (depending on what month your child is on).
Method 7: Cuuurious Fingers
Perhaps one of the most violating alternative abortion methods, this procedure requires careful attention to detail. This is for use during the early to mid stages of pregnancy. You must first suture the anus shut with steel thread. Then the surrounding anal area must be completely cleaned. All traces of fecal matter and rectal scent must be eliminated. Now you must wait. Soon enough Syvoran will slither along, lured by the scents of placenta and newly forming, virgin anus. The curious, hungry fingers of the fulsome creature will search out the infantile anal cavity, and finding it undeveloped, will penetrate through any obstacles, tearing and mauling the fetus. Syvo will then retract and continue on his rape spree, but leaving behind his fetid fluid to infect the torn flesh of the unborn child. Virus will soon spread and destroy the fetus. It can be removed countless ways, including the following method.
Method 8: Excavation
This is a fun and exciting way to be rid of unwanted family additions! After procuring an industrial strength vacuum excavator, place the hose over your vaginal opening, power up the vacuum, and suck that rotten parasite out! Various organs and tissues are sure to accompany the fetus. They can be shoved back inside or brutally ripped from the attached body.
Method 9: Some Fucking Deicide
Throw on Once Upon The Cross and crank it to the max. Press your navel right up to the speakers and brace yourself. A full blast of Deicide is sure to melt any developing life in little more than an instant. It would be advantageous to place a bucket or pitcher between your legs to catch the flowing liquid.
Method 10: Zen and the Art of Abortion
This process must be initiated in the very early stages of pregnancy. The arm of an assistant is thrust through the birth canal and into the womb. It is kept there throughout the pregnancy, allowing the infant to form around the arm, creating a puppet effect…becoming one with the fetus. After the nine month period is up, the assistant withdraws the arm with the baby puppet intact and is then free to smash it on any solid walls or available solid objects.
Method 11: Abdominal Curb Stomp
They say that women have a high threshold for pain. This tactic really puts that theory to the test. Simply lie sideways across a curb and have someone of substantial weight jump or stomp the bulging womb. The bruised and battered baby corpse might even shoot out through the birth canal! That would be a pleasant spectacle.
Method 12: Skewer
The execution of this method requires a male aid (females may be used in rare cases when they are proven to be competent humans). The man threads a thin sharp object, such as a sharpened knitting needle, candy cane, small harpoon, or pencil into his urethra. He then mounts and begins vaginal intercourse. This can be very painful for all parties involved, but also satisfying in a masochistic way. This isn’t always effective, but can be repeated many times for a higher success rate. It helps to have a male aid with a comparatively long penis or to use an object that is at least a foot in length. A strap-on can also be used.
If you’ve managed to read this entire guide without succumbing to your thirst for another line, congratulations! You’re well on your way to a future free from the petulant whining of any little life-sucking barnacles.
Please be aware that any of the described means of abortion can be used in conjunction with one another, but should be joined with caution. If you were to have sex with Jack Nicholson while blasting some fucking Deicide, the results would likely be catastrophic.
On a closing note, we at T & M Enterprises would like to say thank you to all those who follow our guide so a simpler, and less expensive life. Also for all of the religious individuals whom may have been offended, we outstretch our greatest sympathies for your skewed lifestyle of mindless worship for a god that doesn’t exist.
By Taimatsu and Meegz
It’s a Saturday night, and the bathroom linoleum feels cold to your feet. You wipe the traces of cocaine off your nose and look at the white stick in your hand. You gasp at the sight of a blue cross forming once it’s soaked in your sour urine. You’re pregnant, and you’re not ready.
Could it have happened in Chicago? Austin? Ontario?? Was it the cute waiter? The muscular mechanic? The brown Steed? Could Shido have gotten the right hole this time?!?
These things are irrelevant at this point. You are pregnant, and you need a quick solution. If you have a serious lack of moral ethics and religion, then I’m glad you came here. We will illustrate several proven methods to rid yourself of that rancid demon seed. Please choose according to your level of pain tolerance, and how soon you’d like to see results.
Method 1: Jill the Ripper
This is the very basic concept involving self-mutilation to hit the source of the problem. Basically, it’s jamming a steak knife into your abdomen. Make sure that you make the incision directly above the bellybutton to hit your target. Also note that you shouldn’t use a knife that has recently been cutting other meats. Make sure the knife goes in at least five inches into the flesh. Also, an added bonus for the ladies who are in their late stages, push the knife in slowly so you can hear the whimpers of the helpless child. It’s a blast! Plus, if you do this around Halloween time, leave the blade inside of you, and it doubles as a tasteful costume!
Method 2: Pop Rocks and Cola
Now we all know the cute (but false) little legend about pop rocks and cola making your stomach explode. And no, I’m not trying to give you false means of destroying your offspring. Those are merely code words for the ingredients known as cyanide and gasoline. For your own safety, it is highly recommended that you fill a turkey baster with these ingredients and inject them through the vagina hole, rather than ingesting them. Stand on your head for one hour, and PRESTO! You are now the proud owner of a rapidly dieing fetus. Go, you!
Method 3: Sex with Jack Nicholson
This award-achieving movie actor is highly renowned for his brilliant performances and his classic films. But a little known fact about him is that he’s a biological factory of several types of viruses and venoms. His rancid man butter has rightfully earned the title as the “Anti-Semen”, and is used as an emergency spermacide in matters involving political leaders and stray whores. If you have any doubts about this, then all I ask of you is to simply look at his face. How can a man with that jagged, menacing, face NOT be tainted in some horrific way? It’s very easy to get a hold of him, and he’ll basically fuck anything with eyes, so you’re chances are good here. Also expect some minor chemical burns along the lining of your vagina.
Method 4: Find Steven Hunt
He has his ways….
Method 5: Badger in the Den
The badger is a peculiar animal that happens to love dark and small spaces, and also comes equipped with long claws. Perfect candidate for a fetus capture mission. Grant it some time to get accustomed to the smell of its new “home”, and eventually it will burrow deeper. Once it finds that there’s an intruder in its presence, then it will act accordingly and brutally persuade the fetus out of the hole. Note that this WILL in fact get rid of your child, but at the same time replace it with a furrier and more active resident.
Method 6: Deep Fried Fetus Nuggets
This is especially dedicated to all of you whom work at McDonald’s or any other related food establishment. The goal illustrated here is to roast the unborn human alive leaving a well cooked, mostly edible snack. Just like the fries are prepared, you simply pour piping hot, boiling grease into your canal, immersing the fetus properly. Let simmer for 30 seconds, and you’ve got a well-prepared meal for a party of 1-4 (depending on what month your child is on).
Method 7: Cuuurious Fingers
Perhaps one of the most violating alternative abortion methods, this procedure requires careful attention to detail. This is for use during the early to mid stages of pregnancy. You must first suture the anus shut with steel thread. Then the surrounding anal area must be completely cleaned. All traces of fecal matter and rectal scent must be eliminated. Now you must wait. Soon enough Syvoran will slither along, lured by the scents of placenta and newly forming, virgin anus. The curious, hungry fingers of the fulsome creature will search out the infantile anal cavity, and finding it undeveloped, will penetrate through any obstacles, tearing and mauling the fetus. Syvo will then retract and continue on his rape spree, but leaving behind his fetid fluid to infect the torn flesh of the unborn child. Virus will soon spread and destroy the fetus. It can be removed countless ways, including the following method.
Method 8: Excavation
This is a fun and exciting way to be rid of unwanted family additions! After procuring an industrial strength vacuum excavator, place the hose over your vaginal opening, power up the vacuum, and suck that rotten parasite out! Various organs and tissues are sure to accompany the fetus. They can be shoved back inside or brutally ripped from the attached body.
Method 9: Some Fucking Deicide
Throw on Once Upon The Cross and crank it to the max. Press your navel right up to the speakers and brace yourself. A full blast of Deicide is sure to melt any developing life in little more than an instant. It would be advantageous to place a bucket or pitcher between your legs to catch the flowing liquid.
Method 10: Zen and the Art of Abortion
This process must be initiated in the very early stages of pregnancy. The arm of an assistant is thrust through the birth canal and into the womb. It is kept there throughout the pregnancy, allowing the infant to form around the arm, creating a puppet effect…becoming one with the fetus. After the nine month period is up, the assistant withdraws the arm with the baby puppet intact and is then free to smash it on any solid walls or available solid objects.
Method 11: Abdominal Curb Stomp
They say that women have a high threshold for pain. This tactic really puts that theory to the test. Simply lie sideways across a curb and have someone of substantial weight jump or stomp the bulging womb. The bruised and battered baby corpse might even shoot out through the birth canal! That would be a pleasant spectacle.
Method 12: Skewer
The execution of this method requires a male aid (females may be used in rare cases when they are proven to be competent humans). The man threads a thin sharp object, such as a sharpened knitting needle, candy cane, small harpoon, or pencil into his urethra. He then mounts and begins vaginal intercourse. This can be very painful for all parties involved, but also satisfying in a masochistic way. This isn’t always effective, but can be repeated many times for a higher success rate. It helps to have a male aid with a comparatively long penis or to use an object that is at least a foot in length. A strap-on can also be used.
If you’ve managed to read this entire guide without succumbing to your thirst for another line, congratulations! You’re well on your way to a future free from the petulant whining of any little life-sucking barnacles.
Please be aware that any of the described means of abortion can be used in conjunction with one another, but should be joined with caution. If you were to have sex with Jack Nicholson while blasting some fucking Deicide, the results would likely be catastrophic.
On a closing note, we at T & M Enterprises would like to say thank you to all those who follow our guide so a simpler, and less expensive life. Also for all of the religious individuals whom may have been offended, we outstretch our greatest sympathies for your skewed lifestyle of mindless worship for a god that doesn’t exist.